Last Man on Earth
by Jontg
Summary: After Third Impact, Shinji and Asuka seem to be the last humans on Earth. Will they repopulate the world? Or will Shinji die trying? ShinjiAsuka
1. Prologue: After the End

LEGAL STUFF: _Neon Genesis Evangelion, Evangelion: Death and Rebirth, End of Evangelion,_ and all persons and events depicted therein are ©1995 by Hideaki Anno and Studio Gainax. All other persons and events referenced herein are sole intellectual property of their respective creators. This work is a parody of and tribute (of a sort) to the aforementioned materials, and no profit--monetary or otherwise--has been derived from its creation. For the above reasons, this work constitutes Fair Use of copyrighted materials under the United States Copyright Act of 1976.

--

_Chapter One: After the End_

"How disgusting…"

The words were like a light tap on Shinji Ikari's shoulder, rousing him from his stupor. He blinked once, twice--his eyes refused to clear. He raised a hand to wipe the tears from his face, and it came away sticky. Looking down at his hand, he saw it was streaked with blood. _Weird--I'm not bleeding, am I?_

Shinji began feeling around his head for a wound--and as his hand left his field of vision, he realized he was looking down at a face. It was an unusually pale face, framed by a disheveled mane of red-gold hair. One brilliant blue eye (the phrase 'sapphire orb' slid through his mind for some reason) stared blankly at him, utterly devoid of emotion--the other was concealed beneath a carefully wound bandage. His own eyes traveled, uncomprehending, down past a sharp chin, over a delicate neck marked with several small bruises--then snapped up as memory flooded back.

_Bruises…red… _"Asuka?" It was as clear as day now. EVA… Third Impact… SEELE… He had failed, just as he had been meant to--humanity was gone, their individual egos dissolved and their bodies subsumed by the primordial sea that was the 18th Angel. He was here only because he had asked to stay behind… but what was the Second Child doing here?

"What?"

It was Asuka speaking; it must have been her before, too. Come to think of it, the last thing he recalled with any clarity was Asuka as well--her screams echoing over the comm unit, and her dismembered Evangelion being dropped like gnawed bones by those white, whale-headed EVAs. After that, it was a blur of color and sound, of pain and pleasure and not really caring just _why_ he was screaming as his psyche was laid bare and his naked Self displayed to all mankind… well, perhaps it was best that he didn't remember too much.

"Shinji."

He blinked, nudged once more into the real world by Asuka's voice. "I… Asuka, I'm… You're…" Words wouldn't come. He steeled himself, cleared his throat, opened his mouth to say something along the lines of _Where are we? Why are you here?_ or maybe just _I'm sorry about all this_, emitted a long, shuddering sob, and collapsed, blubbering, on top of his fellow pilot.

"What a wimp."

Shinji felt an arm wrap around his waist. Looking up, he saw through a fresh haze of tears that Asuka was crying as well. But for the first time in recent memory, she was also smiling--smiling at him. She drew him into a tight embrace, and Shinji found that his head fit snugly between her breasts--it felt good, but not in the way he'd expected it to.

They didn't gaze lovingly into each other's eyes. They didn't kiss or cuddle. And they certainly didn't have sex. They simply lay there--neither of them knew or cared how long--in each other's arms, quietly murmuring to each other that it was all right, and really, everything was going to be fine, each trying to keep from bursting into tears long enough to comfort the other, and each failing miserably.


	2. Chapter One: Bearings

_Chapter One: Bearings_

It was early morning when Shinji awoke. The sun had just begun to appear over the horizon, its light painting the sky in more colors than the young man could name. In one place, a streak of red bisected the display--a low-earth-orbit river of blood, frozen by space into a glittering ring of red ice. Or so Shinji supposed--and he would have kept on supposing, if he hadn't rolled over, and suddenly become aware that his head was nestled between… between…

A soft squeak of pure, unadulterated horror escaped the Third Child. _Oh god I'm lying on Asuka and oh god oh god my head is between her **God Almighty I am going to die** please oh please don't let her wake up now I don't wanna die a virgin I don't wanna die period I can't move I can't move I can't move somebody please help meeeee… Hey, wait, this is nice. And she still seems to be asleep. Maybe I can stay here a little--_

"Oh, Shinji?"

The strained, icy tone of Asuka's voice made it clear she was very much awake. "Oh, Shinji, my dear friend? Oh, boon companion of mine? May I ask what, pray tell, your nose is doing in my cleavage?

_Oh, God, she's back to normal!_ Shinji tried to scramble up and away from the no-doubt murderous Asuka, but she had always been faster than him. She grabbed the front of his shirt, and he quickly found himself inches from her face, staring into eyes ('shimmering azure pools?') that gleamed with evident bloodlust. _This girl is going to strangle me. I just lived through the apocalypse, and now I'm going to be throttled by a fourteen-year-old in a red vinyl catsuit. God, my life is messed up…_

Asuka interrupted his train of thought again, her voice laden with the sort of quiet, smoldering fury that usually culminates with neighbors being interviewed by newsmen and saying that he was such a nice, quiet man, and really we can't imagine why he would dismember all those people. "Third Child, you have ten seconds to explain what I'm doing here, where those giant whale-headed things went, and why I woke up with your head between my boobs." She stood, dragging him to his feet. "Starting… _now_."

"Er… I…" For what seemed the hundredth time in the past few months, abject terror spurred him into action. "You ran out of power and the EVA series tore you up and I went out in Unit-01 and I tried to fight them, really I tried, but they grabbed my wings and then there was this giant, naked Rei who turned into Kaworu and--"

Asuka hoisted him to his tiptoes. "The short version. And slowly."

"But... but, you said--"

"Just. Talk."

His cleared his throat. "Um, basically the world just ended, and we're the only ones left."

"And this is why you chose to use my chest as a pillow?"

"No…" How could he explain this? For that matter, why did he need to? Didn't Asuka remember the previous night? "It's… complicated."

"I'm sure it is, Ikari." Asuka narrowed her eyes at him, relaxing her grip on him slightly. "But it's also lucky on your part--if you hadn't tried that, I'd have fingered you for a _ganslein…_"

"A what?"

A grin crept over the Second's face. "I admit, I was a bit worried about you after that Nagisa boy passed through--but this makes things much simpler."

"Asuka, what are you talking about?"

She drew him close again. Then a little closer. Then a little _too_ close. Then he felt their lips meet. Then he was sure he felt Asuka's tongue probing at his mouth, trying to pry it open. Then he remembered he was supposed to try to stop her.

Planting his hand squarely on her chest, he pushed, and found himself sprawled in the sand, Asuka leering down at him. "What's wrong, Third? Don't have the guts? Or maybe I was right about you and Kaworu…"

"I… wait, _what?_" Shinji scrambled back, eyes finally finding the time to widen in shock. "Kaworu was my friend--my best friend…" _Until I murdered him…_

Asuka's leer turned into a satisfied sort of grin, like a velociraptor that's stumbled on a nest of retarded baby protoceratops that have adopted a bottle of steak sauce as a brother. "Good--then you won't have any problem with screwing my brains out right here and right now."

Shinji didn't respond--he just sat there, blinking occasionally. His train of thought, you see, had hit a penny on the rail, flew off the track at 200 miles per hour, and crashed in an awe-inspiring pyrotechnic display, leaving behind a smoking, half-melted wreck that would be used as shelter by deranged homeless persons for generations to come.

--

A little note--Asuka's behavior is _supposed_ to be somewhat erratic here, and we won't find out why she's acting so strangely for some time. And _ganslein_ is a very old German phrase that literally means "little goose," but was also slang at one point for a passive homosexual (i.e. the one on the bottom)--it's the closest thing any western language has to the concept of an uke.


	3. Chapter Two: Slowing Down

_Chapter Two: Slowing Down_

Asuka sighed. She had been standing here for about a minute now, waiting for the Third Child's brain to process the information he'd been given. _Honestly, it's like talking to a brick wall—a brick wall that whines and screams and doesn't seem inclined to _do_ me anytime soon._

Finally something seemed to click in Shinji's head—he looked up at Asuka, blinked once, and blurted out, "Are you saying you wanna have sex?"

Asuka rolled her unbandaged eye. _With _him_? What is he, stupid?_ "It's not a question of _want_, it's a question of _need_—or did you forget that we're the only ones left?"

"I… I…" Shinji stopped, sitting perfectly still for a moment. "You're right… and that means I'm…"

"Yup." Asuka knelt beside him, suddenly feeling a great deal of sympathy for her (presumably) late kindergarten teacher. "In between those spindly legs of yours is the salvation of the human race—and between mine is the only remaining receptacle for it." She reached for the top button of Shinji's shirt. _Just pretend he's Mister Kaji, and moan in the right places so he knows he's doing it right…_

And of course, the idiot decided that for once, he _didn't_ want a piece of her gorgeous ass, and scooted backwards babbling about waiting, and maturity, and proper timing, and please get your hand out of my pants, so she had to let her prize slip away yet again.

_Damn it, is he neutered or something?_ This was it--time to haul out the big guns. _Okay, he's a whiny little _schlampe_ with an Oedipus complex--what turns them on? Maybe the catgirl impression would work--nah, he'd just think I was having a seizure. Let's be honest, this boy is dumber than a hentai schoolgirl--hey, wait a second…_

"Aww, what's wrong, Shinji-sempai," she mewed, crawling toward him on all fours. "Don't you like me anymore?" _Not even Ikari can say no to the naughty schoolgirl act… _She slid closer, shooting the last living male a demure and (she hoped) seductive look "Did I do something wrong? Are you going to punish me, sempai?"

Shinji stuttered, sputtered, and collapsed, blood streaming from his nose.

"_Scheisse_." Heaving a sigh, Asuka sat down next to the motionless form of the Third. _Reeeeeeal smooth, honey--you gave the last guy on Earth a stroke._ Or maybe he wasn't dead--she supposed she had better check. A cursory inspection revealed that Shinji was not, in fact, dead--merely unconscious from blood loss. _Dammit, why do all Japanese teenagers have such high blood pressure?_

She looked down at the comatose pilot, lifting a hand to wipe the blood from his upper lip. _Stupid kid--no intellect, no common sense, and no short-term memory. I promised we'd do this after he got back, but it's like the words just went in one ear and out the other. It couldn't have been more than a day ago, for crying out loud--ah, well…_ Such things were hardly worth worrying about--there'd be plenty of time to fulfill promises when Shin-chan woke up.

As Asuka lay down beside the Third, she heard a low groan come from his unconscious form. She rolled over to face him, and propped herself up on one arm, leaning in to listen better.

"Mi… Misato…"

Asuka's eye twitched involuntarily. _Major Katsuragi? He's dreaming about _her?

Indeed he was--and as she soon noticed, he was apparently rather enjoying the dream. _Ew… Ew… Ew…_ She had _not_ needed to see that--granted, she now had a better idea of what to expect when Shinji finally gave her what she wanted, but really, the end of the world was hardly the time to be having erotic fantasies about one's (again, presumably) late commanding officer. _Still,_ she reminded herself, _it's not like I haven't done the same thing about Kaji--besides, it's kinda flattering… wait, _what?

--

Sorry about the delay there--I had a family reunion and a graduation party to attend, and this particular chapter was tough to write. I tried to tell the story from Asuka's point of view without giving away too much--but eventually I realized this was a good point to give up at least part of the secret. If you can't figure it out, just say so in your review--if you're not anonymous, I'll explain it personally.

Speaking of anonymous reviews: vic, it's supposed to be out of character. It's part of the plot.

Oh, and due to said family reunion, I know at least one person reading this doesn't know the usual array of Japanese name suffixes. So, just for my cousin's benefit, _-sempai_ is literally "superior," and is usually used to refer to mentors, teachers, etc. _-Chan_ is a diminutive, applied affectionately to those younger than oneself (like calling a kid "junior" or "little so-and-so"), or as a term of more direct affection between couples. There are likely more uses for each suffix, so reviewers, please feel free to contribute or to correct me.


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